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SillyUserName Part II

Previously on It Never Ends:

Andy’s World of Warcraft guild-mate inspired him to try online dating…

…Andy birthed a dating profile with a picture of him sitting next to a man in a gorilla suite… …Andy said some very embarrassing things… Sorry Mom.


The fact that I had never been successful at getting any dates with women in real life was something I had grown used to, but to be constantly ignored online and turned down by digital images and emoticons was a little more depressing. I was growing irritated by the whole process and was about to call it quits, but then the weeks of hopelessly clicking ‘send message’ paid off when I ran across NiceGirl635.

NiceGirl635 was the cutest profile I’d seen yet. She was a Registered Nurse who had a great profile picture with a big, beautiful smile. The caption below read, “My biggest passion in life is to laugh!” Another picture showed her wearing a Detroit Tigers jersey, the next with an iguana named Baxter, and a third with her just bein’ cool near Lake Michigan. She wrote about her “most influential person” being a dude in a wheelchair who taught her that everyone was created equal and deserves equal opportunities and equal chances and a bunch of other crap about equality – to which I naturally assumed she applied to her policy on dating. She was perfect.

I clicked the ‘send message’ button I’d clicked on so many other profiles. I found this experience akin to giving my number to a girl at a bar – followed by days of anticipation – only instead of getting excited every time my phone rang and nervious when an unknown number popped up on my caller ID, I got excited when the count in my junk mail folder climbed by one and the message inside read something like, “Click here to read the response from ILuvKats!”

Unlike the hundred profiles I requested communication with before, this time I had an actual grain of hope that I’d get a response. I checked my email first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I checked her profile page often to see when she last logged in with hopes that she really meant all of the “equality” bullshit she posted.

Finally a response came – but it wasn’t in the form of five multiple choice questions, or a list of guidelines required in a relationship. She had skipped all that and sent me a direct message. I instantly concluded that NiceGirl635 also knew how ridiculous the lengthy process of contacting another profile was and decided to write me directly to me to tell me how awesome my profile was and to ask something normal like, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?” or, “Could Spiderman beat up Batman?” I anxiously clicked the message…

Dear SillyUserName,

Thank you for contacting me, but I’m afraid my subscription is about to expire and I decided not to renew it. I’m sorry, but I’m not comfortable giving out my personal contact information to people I don’t know – chalk it up to bad timing. I hope you understand, and be careful on your next safari, not all gorillas are so friendly!

Perhaps someday I’ll see you in the produce aisle!

“Well… Shit!” I said to myself.

I wasn’t bummed just because she turned me down, but because she did so in such a cute manner. This only proved how perfect she was, and the fact that she turned me down solely because of bad timing was salt in the wounds. Knowing that I actually might have had a chance caused me to become even more infatuated with her. I tried to reply with a witty response and my email address so she would change her mind and marry me, but by the time I typed up the email her account was closed. Bad timing indeed.

I concluded that the whole dating idea was silly. I realized that even though celibacy coincides with depression and loneliness, at least it doesn’t have the pain of flat-out bad timing. Like so many others distraught with pain, I turned to God. Depressed in the wee hours of the morning, I googled “Christian dating site.” I was directed to exactly what I should have expected from a Christian website, tons of banner adds, a crappy layout, and a cheesy tagline about how God has a profile waiting exclusively for me. I thought, “eh, what the hell?” and signed up. I went through the same steps as when I signed up for eCongruity – answering the exact same essay questions with the exact same funny answers and posting the exact same black and white profile picture I’ve used now a million and one times.

When I clicked on ‘save profile’ something amazing happened – if I were a Christian camp counselor I would have said something like, “It was a totalGod moment.” The first profile I saw was NiceGirl635.

I wanted to send her a message right away – something like,

Hey NiceGirl635!

Remember me? You just turned me down on another dating site, what about this one? Gee, I think you’re cute! I swear I didn’t stalk you here – do you have any brothers or sisters?

Well aware of how easily I could come across as a stalker I knew I had to play my cards carefully. I decided to wait a few days in hopes that she’d see my profile and reach out to me using the same cute tone as when she turned me down. In the meantime I started the most cautious letter I’d ever written, pointing out that it’s much less creepy meeting here than in the actual produce aisle, then I made some joke about finding the perfect kumquat. It was a sweet letter, well thought out and not-at-all creepy or disrespectful. I sent the letter after enough time had passed. The next day I got a response…

Hey SillyUserName,

First off, you’re hilarious! Yes, I guess it is less creepy meeting you here than in the produce isle! You seem like a great guy with a lot of personality and character, but I’m sorry to say that I’ve recently met someone on this Christian site and I don’t think it’d be fair to him if I was communicating with other guys while we are getting to know each other. Once again, chalk it up to bad timing…

“Son-of-a-bitch!” I yelled to myself.

I responded and wished her all the best. I told her I hoped that either the profile she found is a great guy and that they get married and live a long happy life together, or that he’s a jerk face and she decides to get to know me. To say I was a little disappointed would be an understatement. I had spent a good deal of time thinking about NiceGirl635 and the fact that she turned me down not just once, but twice with such an adorable tone only made me think about her even more.

Depression set in. I asked myself, “What would JC do?” Then I remembered how John Cusack is famous for using grand romantic gestures to win over his one true profile love, and at 2:30AM that sounded like the right thing to do. I took a heavy dose of Ativan and decided to use my super-human wit and self-proclaimed awesome writing skills to win over NiceGirl635 with an email that would blow her mind. I typed the most charming, imaginative and persuasive email in the history of mankind. By the time I finished I knew it was such a charming email that I didn’t even have to proofread it. The clock struck 3, and my mouse pointer struck SEND.

“I’ve made a huge mistake,” I thought to myself after my eyes snapped open the next morning. My stomach churned for days until NiceGirl635 responded…

SillyUserName,

I decided to part ways with the guy I was seeing. However, though I admire your boldness, I found your email to be really creepy. I’d appreciate it if you never contacted me again.

The word “creepy” stung. And the fact that she just broke up with that other profile made me hate myself. But the worst part is that NiceGirl635 was such a nice person that even though I creeped her out, she was still nice enough to turn me down using such a sweet tone. I’m sure I’ll always wonder what would have happened had I not sent her that email… Perhaps it might not have been so creepy if I had told her that I’m normally awake until the wee hours of the morning and not to be creeped out by the ‘sent at 3AM’ timestamp. And I guess I probably shouldn’t have asked her if she ever wondered what human flesh tastes like, either.

I went to D&W a few days later to stock my brand new Brettwood cabinets. I started shopping in the produce aisle in hopes that I’d find a profile with a naked ring finger searching for the perfect kumquat. There were lots of naked ring fingers, but none had the same smile as NiceGirl635, none wore a Tigers jersey and none had captions under their picture that said, “My biggest passion in life is to laugh!” It was the saddest I had ever been inside the grocery store.

Like I did while being addicted to World of Warcraft, I took my obsessive online thoughts with me into public. I wondered if the girl buying tomatoes drank only a few times a year, or about once a week? I wondered what the goth girl with short black hair would typically do on a friday night, go to a sporting event, go bowling, or sit at Denny’s and drink coffee all night?

The girl buying tomatoes made eye contact with me. I shot her a smile and she smiled back. At that very moment, my depression lifted and I became ecstatic as a smile of realization crossed my face… The profiles I had been obsessing over weren’t actually jpegs and witty descriptions, they were human beings. They were real women. And the fact that they all turned me down no longer hurt, because I was used to being turned down by real women.

Posted on June 11, 2012

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